On September 29, 2020, I went completely off the grid, off the face of the earth. A lot of people seemed to be extremely surprised. The entire world came to a halt for me. Literally, everything. All my online Zoom classes at SMU, halted. My text messages, ALSO halted. Yup, my MacBook Air, iPad, iPhone, Apple Watch, whichever Apple device you could think of, were all taken away from me in an instant. So were my money too (big oops). I remember having told myself before the rehab, "Wow, I really need a hiatus from all my devices, and perhaps move on from all the drama and having new beginnings." However, I never really thought that I would take up the challenge through the force of all my privileges taken away from me, all in an instant.
If you could, just take a second to see how it felt to have everything taken away from you... be it mobile devices, and social relationships (both virtual and in-person) during a worldwide pandemic. For me, this sudden change in transition of losing everything made me think of so many alternatives to broaden communication and be different from people. All I had was a journal, my radio, a bunch of books, and notes to take away from this "dis"connected and hands-on lifetime experience.
During my time of continuous rehabilitation, I got a few questions from a few of my close friends, mainly because they've never done a half-year long rehabilitation like I did.
What was it like at first to be completely disconnected at everything?
Honestly, the first two months of rehabilitation were actually pretty frustrating, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. It definitely took me a while to get a grasp of who I really was, where my life was heading, and what not. Without my Alexa, Spotify, iPad, whatever you can name, etc., I felt extremely empty. I felt like I was in a void, unable to get out of it for whatever reason. I felt like I was missing out on a lot of fun activities, experiences, and journeys... all while trying to spiral out of that FOMO (fear of missing out) mentality.
I was definitely looking at my life, like: "THIS IS SURREAL. Am I really going to change from this experience of being disconnected?" I literally had all my privileges taken away.
I remember, during the first week of rehabilitation, I was literally pre-occupying myself with all sorts of books. From rereading my social skills book I bought in the summer of 2019, to books about amplifying Black voices, to books about how to adult with Asperger's, I was reading them all. (I will list some books that I've been reading the past few months, towards the end of this article. They're really good reads and I've covered two of them beforehand at the start of the pandemic, which was when I first opened this website.) I literally relied on radio stations for music because I wasn't even able to access my Spotify at all; it really sucked because I was missing out on new releases. Thankfully, I had all my presets set on my radio. At the same time, I began to form some pretty good habits of doing daily chores as distractions, whenever I didn't want to read books. I started helping out in the kitchen, from washing dishes, to putting stuff in the dishwasher for disinfection, to cooking with my mom, to getting groceries, to organizing the refrigerator (and eventually, freezers), and now, to sweeping and vacuuming the entire house like a housemaid. Big LOL right there.
In addition, I did a bunch of journaling as well; as a matter of fact, I wrote so much that I ended up filling up a majority of the other half of my first journal, and had to go to Target to buy a second one. I started writing a lot more when I started my rehabilitation, because there were just so much emotional factors flowing through my mind. Here's a little excerpt of a journal entry from the beginning of the journey:
- this is a battle i have to face: one I need to decide for myself: one between saving myself and keeping family, or perishing myself and losing family overall. [...} - a lot of things have spawned in and out, and now i realize why it's been so hard for me to change [...] - i'm gonna accept the fact that i have no self-virtue, no self-integrity, and no self-control in my life at this very moment. i heard this one song on K-LOVE when i was on the car reading the Bible, and I remember a lyric that kept on singing "there's only a kind of 💗 that God sees" and what not. it still hit me pretty strong though, b/c I was like "is this really worth it? is this a kind of life I ought to live? one with integrity, confidence, and responsibility, instead of being a beggar? ya know?" these are some questions i would've asked myself. ▶ oct. 4, 2020 // 11:05am
The sentimentality I had behind those words really meant so much: the stubborn, unchangeable, and insecure me was really showing.
What are the pros and cons of this rehabilitation thus far?
To be honest with you, I do not even know where to start with this question. There were times where I just felt like I never wanted to answer this question. However, not answering it would not solve the problem, and advice is definitely golden to resolving some issues, so we shall resume with the benefits and doubts of my experience through it.
The pros of rehabilitation:
Because all my classes were halted, it gave me a lot more space to think about what to do with my future. I ACTUALLY started to work on myself a lot more, instead of staying desperate about getting into a relationship with another guy, or being involved in friend drama that I shouldn't even have been involved with in the first place.
I actually started to form a morning routine, believe it or not. When I first started my rehab, I would get my full 8 hours of sleep. It definitely was better waking up refreshed. (After I started going back to school, that was a whole another situation, which we will touch on in a little bit....)
There were barely any distractions. I didn't need to deal with notifications going off every minute, and I for sure didn't need to deal with looking at a screen for hours on end. I was very not acclimated to the no-phone presence, but eventually it became an internal habit.
It gave me the freedom to be myself.... the "authentic" self. I didn't need to put on a façade for myself, neither to my parents, neither to my dogs. Just my plain old self as the way I was.
My observation skills definitely improved. I was aware of the surroundings around me, what was actually going on, etc. I definitely was thinking much faster than when I wasn't.
Not to forget... the opposite side may have opposing effects.
The cons of rehabilitation:
I felt absolutely lost. As a matter of fact, because I was forced to not talk to anybody online or even in person besides my parents, I felt absolutely isolated. I felt like I was missing out on a lot of trends, a lot of new stuff, and that I wasn't keeping up with the latest news. I felt the consequence of the "trauma" behind having everything taken away from me really happen.
I had really bad withdrawals during the rehabilitation. While this might be normal for any rehabilitation, there would be times where I couldn't even contain my emotions. I lashed out. I rebelled. I did whatever I could to escape the pain. I did not accept the pain and its condition for the way it was.
I struggled with my identity big time.... because I built a majority of my college career on the wrong foot, even when I thought I was doing the right thing.
The Transition Back To the Basics: My "Gap" Year at Ohlone College & CSUEB (via the Open University program)
In December of 2020, Governor Gavin Newsom issued a was issued throughout the entire state of California due to drastic decline in ICU capacity. It was a result of high positivity rates and COVID-19 cases dramatically rising. I decided, at that instant, that I was going to take a gap year, take a few classes at Ohlone College and CSUEB, and really plan out what I was going to do in 2022. I was still working at Target at the time, working overtime shifts to make sure everybody had their groceries and essentials they needed. We were capped at 20% capacity, and sometimes, the rushes got so bad, that breakdowns at work were inevitable.
The plans weren't really finalized until I let go of working at Target.... because it was my insecurity at the time.
In January, I took the risk to overcome my insecurities, and decided to take the next four months off from working and register for classes at Ohlone College and CSU East Bay. I really took that risk, and I did not regret it one bit. At this point in my life, 2021 was the unfolding of new beginnings: a beginning to reverse my footsteps in my career. A beginning of new experiences. A beginning to retrace and strengthen my relationship with God, my family, and ultimately, myself. At Ohlone, I decided to pursue two certificates: one in Commercial Music and one in Contemporary Dance/Choreography. Though these two are just certificates, they mean a lot to me because you can challenge yourself to do even the smallest things and make a big difference with them. I even took the leap and auditioned for the Spring Dance Production, which will be released on April 15th! Details can be found at Meanwhile, at CSU East Bay, I enrolled in the Open University program and am taking a Fundamental of Actings class with a very wonderful pastor. The ensemble are so supportive and hardworking and I am so glad that I joined the class.
i have begun to realize that i'm beginning to overcome a LOT of fears in my life. my fears of practiing. my fears of creating content. my fears of taking risks. my fears of surviving on my own. ▶ mar 7, 2021 // 1:13am
Four months into this crazy yet prosperous year, and I'm been more grateful than ever to have such supportive friends by my side, even if it means I don't talk to them daily. I want to thank so many people, even if it's just a small thank you.
To Priscilla, Eddy, Melodie, Peace, and the rest of Katharos Fellowship, thank you for guiding me back to God. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use my voice to lead worship and praise God. To my mom and dad, thank you for loving me and supporting me through such a difficult journey. I know we've been so lost when this first started, but without your guys' persistency and consistency and reminders of staying humble and rooted in my authenticity, and most importantly, the strength God has blessed me with, I would not be where I am today.
To Antonio, my best friend and partner-in-crime, thank you for sticking by my side through high and low, even though we literally have not met in person yet (since you live all the way in Dallas, which I am LONGING to go back next year). You still have the letter I sent you, and my extremely detailed apology was on there. I apologize once again for making you worry, and it was not my intention. I still have so much love for you, though. To my new Ohlone Theater and Dance Department, and to friends in it, new and old, thank you for being such a vivacious yet talented and professional group of people. I want to give a big THANK YOU to Director of Dance, Janel Tomblin-Brown, for giving me such an opportunity to be in this year's Spring Dance Production with y'all.
To Professor Darryl Jones (and assistant Mariah Kuhn), thank you for almost rejecting me from joining your Fundamental of Acting class. Thank you for your constructive criticism, and allowing me to be vulnerable and true to myself. Without your help and guidance thus far, perhaps I would have guided myself in a direction worse than where I am.
This is just the beginning. The beginning of something new, and better.
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